


all the questions which were never asked

by someonelikej



Series: Shiratorizawa Family [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Crying, Crying Goshiki Tsutomu, Developing Friendships, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Genderfluid Character, Goshiki-Centric, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Lists, Lonely Goshiki Tsutomu, Protective Semi Eita, Questions, Shibata Yu is a Little Shit, Shiratorizawa, Team Parent Oohira Reon, Team Parent Semi Eita, Team as Family, mentions of bad parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25629034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someonelikej/pseuds/someonelikej
Summary: If only being afraid was the problem.-Or Goshiki has a list of questions he never got to ask until now.(Sequel to second to the rest of the world and re-uploaded version)
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu & Oohira Reon, Goshiki Tsutomu & Semi Eita, Goshiki Tsutomu & Shiratorizawa Academy Volleyball Club
Series: Shiratorizawa Family [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857982
Comments: 14
Kudos: 212





	all the questions which were never asked

**Author's Note:**

> I promised myself not to write a sequel, well you saw how that worked...
> 
> Please enjoy it.
> 
> Ahm, sorry? To those of you who read the draft which was uploaded earlier, that was not supposed to happen and I actually was not finished with the story, also I kind of deleted the first uploaded version on accident -.-  
> Please forgive me for that.

On the top of the page there stood written in uppercase English letters 'ALL MY QUESTIONS' underneath there was a list, filling up the front of the paper and some of its back half. Goshiki read through them, again and again, before he took a pen to cross out the first one on the list. Smiling for a second, before his expression fell.

~~_'Can I have a hug?'_ ~~

He felt so childish to have it even written out on the page, all those questions he had wanted to ask his parents. Some he had asked his grandmother only for the woman to tell him she had no idea, sending him off to ask his friends. Goshiki did not have friends back then, he did not really have friends now.

Tendou and Ushijima more or less had adopted him as their child. Shirabu acted more like he was an annoyed older brother, who only cared when no one else was watching to see how 'uncool' he was by helping his younger sibling. And the others, they were there for him and they stopped making so much fun of him or ignoring him. But he had missed weeks of interactions and everyone was set with their friends. And Goshiki was just there, included but not anyone's personal choice as a friend. He was the child to look after and the little annoying brother, but no one’s friend. He had yet to become a friend to someone.

 _'Am I likeable?'_ Was the second question, on the paper, followed by _'Am I embarrassing you?'_ and _'Do you love me?'_ He never got to ask it and part of him was sad that he even needed to consider to ask this question. Did his parents love him?

He had been nine the first time they went on a trip around the world. He had broken his arm on said day and was in the hospital, waiting for his parents to show up and get him. They never came and in the end he had walked home alone. The nurse had patted his head and he almost blurted out the question _'can I have a hug?'_ but kept quite in the end. It was the first time he was left alone at home, his grandmother only came by every three days with food, telling him he was a grown boy and did not need a lot more help. They never asked him why he was not there to say goodbye. Goshiki was not even sure if they knew that he had broken his arm.

The next question on the paper was; _'Why am I not allowed to wear skirts?'_ He had worn a skirt once, he had liked it, the length the way it moved when he walked or twirled around. Goshiki had been curious because some girls complained about wearing skirts, he wanted to know if they were uncomfortable. His grandmother had shouted at him later. Boys did not wear skirts, and if they did not out in the open. What would the people think? It had been the first and last time he ever touched a skirt. Sometimes he longingly watched as the girls passed through the park wearing skirts and coloured dresses, all those things Goshiki was not allowed to wear.

He did not dare to ask anyone on the team. Sure, Semi sported nail polish from time to time and Isobe and Taketa owned the eyeliner game, they would laugh though. Tell him he was fifteen, to grow up and stop asking so stupid questions. Boys wearing skirts, if only it was possible for him. He then turned the paper to add two more questions to the list. _'Could you paint my nails?'_ , _'Would you do my eyeliner?'_ Questions Goshiki knew he would also never dare to ask.

Someone knocked on the door and before Goshiki could properly hide the paper in his journal, Rai and Shibata already stood in front of him. They both frowned at him as he shifted uncomfortably not expecting any type of visitors on this Sunday afternoon. He placed the notebook on his bed, opting to take up the place between wall and closet, offering the other two with a hand gesture to sit down too. Making sure the book was out of reach for either of the two.

"Uh- Hii?"

"Hey. The other first years went out to watch a movie with Tendou-senpai and he said it you were not going either." Rai started off, his voice was unsure and Goshiki did not know how to read his expression or demeanour. It seemed so off from what he was used to see, the usually relaxed male acted as though he was about to write an exam. Goshiki blinked a few times, Rai looked as if he expected a sentence from him.

"Hmm, I watched it already." Goshiki answered, he was uncomfortable with the small talk. It left so much open and he rather knew why they were here than to talk around and get more uncomfortable. Especially when the topic seemed to make Rai so uneasy in his own skin.

Shibata took the offer to sit down on the bed, pulling Rai along which ended in the two toppeling over onto the bed. A quite chuckle escaped Goshiki's lips, the view was rather funny. The tall Shibata getting toppled by the smaller Rai. How much fun it must be to call either or both of the two one's friends? A new question he would have to add to his list, another one he would probably never dare to ask. Friends seemed to be such a foreign concept to him and still he yearned for one, to know how it was to have someone to confide in. Friends, what strange word, the last time he called someone a friend was in primary school. But what were friends back then?

"Ah, I-"

"We actually wanted to talk with you, well Rai wanted to talk." With that the younger had Goshiki's attention. Why would Rai want to talk with him? They did not interact often enough and nothing more than a few sentence a training , as his conversations with the other members always fell short. He talked the most with Shirabu, Tendou and surprisingly Ushijima, the first two out doing the latter by far, but even then he spoke more with the captain in a week than with the rest of the team.

"Sure, whenever you're ready Rai." Goshiki said, hoping it sounded not as bad as he thought it did. He really did not want the other to feel either pressured or not taken seriously. Goshiki was not one to judge, not often and when he did with more than just evidence to back up, but how was Rai going to know that?

"IamgenderfluidandIdpreferifyouwouldusetheythempronouns." Rai was speaking so fast the only thing Goshiki actually understood was they and pronouns, the rest was a string of sounds he could not comprehend. Rai however seemed to be even more on the edge. Goshiki stared at the other in a confused manner.

"I am sorry Rai, I did not catch anything you said aside from they and pronouns."

"I said; I am genderfluid and I'd prefer if you would use they them pronouns. The rest of the team knows and Tendou said you would totally understand and I wanted to tell you earlier but you always seemed to avoid us, I thought I- you had gotten wind of it and were not okay with me being on the team. And-"

Rai was interrupted by Goshiki, whose confused facial expression seemed to spur the rambling even more. "I did not know it looked like I was avoiding you. I’m sorry for making you think it was your fault. I'm just very shy if I don't know anyone and everyone just had someone to talk with in the first few practices and then you clustered together as a group. And when I finally had the courage to try to start a conversation you all seemed to glare at me, so I let it be."

"Wait, so your totally cool with it? Like no weird questions? Just, okay Rai is genderfluid, let’s go on in life?" Shibata was kind of speechless, out of all the team members Goshiki took Rai's gender identity the most lax. It was as if he was more bothered with Rai being somewhat afraid of his reaction than anything else.

Of course Goshiki had questions, stupid ones. Like _'How is genderfluid defined for you?'_ , _'How long did the rest of the team know?'_ but also the question of _'Why would you think I'd have something against you?'_ He was not going to ask them though, they were stupid and Goshiki did not need anyone to tell him how stupid they were. He knew that himself, no affirmation needed. It itched in his fingers to write the questions down, to add them to his list but he did not. He would later and maybe cry because Rai had been afraid of him judging them.

"No weird questions."

Before he could react Shibata had launched forwards to grab his journal, turning pages until he could fully see the not so well hidden list of questions. Goshiki felt betrayed, he had not done anything to explain why Shibata suddenly had to snatch his journal. His list of questions no one was ever supposed to hear or to know about. _'Did I do something bad that you ignore me?'_ he felt how his eyes slowly started to burn as he tried to get the journal out of Shibata's grasp, yet Rai was warding the wing spiker off.

"Please give it back." Was all he could muster, but even that was nothing more than a whisper.

"Can I have a hug? This is not real is it? Goshiki, you ain't really afraid of asking those questions right?" If only being afraid was the problem Shibata. "Goshiki?"

Rai's gender was real, but not Goshiki's lack of people to ask questions? Not his problems with interactions, not the fact that he still had almost none of those questions answered, none the less asked. Was it so much more absurd? Why did Shibata need to read through his stupid list of stupid questions? _'Do you even care? Mom? Dad?'_ He had no one to ask and those whom he had, he did not want to lose by asking all those stupid questions. Tears were running down Goshiki's cheek, wide eyes staring at Shibata, with so much pain. It was hard to ask questions when there was no guarantee for anyone to stay with him afterwards.

Fifteen year old boys did not ask such questions after all.

"Goshiki?" Rai asked, but there was no answer. The fellow first year had curled himself together, head on his knees and arms around them. Silently sobbing. They did not know what to do, Rai exchanged glances with Shibata, the other silently handed them the paper for Rai to read through the questions, some which were so innocent and other's which made their heart ache. God, why was there only one question crossed out? Why was the only question answered the question if he could have a hug? Not if he was loved, not if someone cared, not the question about his worth or if someone remembered him, not if Goshiki was a waste of space. No, the only question which was answered was _'Can I have a hug?'_.

Not even the question _'Would you like to be me friend?'_ was answered. Rai stared at the paper, recalling the words Goshiki had spoken earlier. _'I'm just very shy if I don't know anyone - when I finally had the courage to try to start a conversation you all seemed to glare at me'_ We judged him for something he did not even know about. He took it as his own fault, Rai realised, Goshiki took their ignorance as his fault, something related to his person. The other seven first years who had become so protective of Rai and Rai himself, they had perceived Goshiki's personality the wrong way and now the fellow first year was just as much an outsider as before. They should have talked to him earlier.

Now Rai understood the guilty glances the third years threw the older. They understood why Shirabu had toned down his criticism, they now saw why Tendou and Ushijima became so protective of the first year. They understood suddenly that asking those questions had nothing to do with being afraid, there was no one to ask. Goshiki had no one to ask, so instead he wrote them down, waiting for the day he could ask his questions. A stray tear made its way down Rai's cheek. They had judged him too early and pushed the shy male away, had made him feel unwanted, Goshiki had no one to turn to because he was afraid to lose everyone he had, should he ask those questions, because he had just gained people to trust, people who maybe would stay.

Rai felt guiltier than ever.

Shibata on the other hand had long left the dorm room, searching for one of the third years, preferably Semi, Ohira or Ushijima. He felt ashamed for reading Goshiki's list of questions, for not taking him serious enough to stop. He had hurt a fellow first year, he would accept the lecture and the punishment for it. Shibata had never put much thought into the other's home life, he had felt sorry when the bullying of Goshiki's classmates had been discussed, he was okay with including the other more but he had never taken a second to think more about it. Goshiki had just become this loud personality during practice, Shibata had only thought that maybe Goshiki had been homesick and therefore a bit silent in the first week. Never he would have guessed the other as lonely or shy.

"Semi-senpai!!" He shouted the moment he saw hair with black coloured tips. The third year spun around face showing off his confusion as to why the first year screamed through the hallway to get his attention. Shibata sprinted down the last few meters skittering to a halt in front of the third year. Eyes wide and a guilty expression on his face.

"What is it Shibata?" The third year asked with a calm voice, yet the look he gave the younger was stern. It better was something important.

"Goshiki- We- Rai- Rai came out to Goshiki and I did something stupid by reading something personal and making fun of him and now Goshiki is crying in his dorm and I can’t find Ushijima-senpai and-“ Before Shibata could say anything more Semi had already grabbed him and pulled him along, frantically typing on his phone with his other hand. He knew Semi was trying his best not to lecture him in the corridor and so he followed the other wordlessly, he deserved the scolding he would get later on. He knew how wrong his actions had been.

Semi was indeed keeping any kind of lengthy berating for Shibata at bay, far more worried about Goshiki being left alone in the dorm with Rai. As much as he trusted the younger first year, they also had just pulled a really shitty move on Goshiki, betraying the boys trust in his own dorm. He hoped today was this one day where Ushijima had taken his phone with himself on a run. Semi did not even bother with knocking the door, he just barged into the room, taking in the composition of Goshiki curled together in the corner and Rai also sitting on the bed crying.

"Shh, Tsutomu, I am here." Semi softly murmured as he pulled the younger in a hug, with light touches he tried to make him relax, to slowly uncurl from his cramped position. "Everything will be okay Tsutomu, no one will hurt you."

Goshiki lifted his head. How could everything become okay? His list of questions, had been read and laughed at. Someone had broken his trust by reading the most personal thing he had in this dorm. A paper he tended to always keep with or on him to make sure no one found it. Nothing could be okay, not when two people knew of his list of stupid questions. His sobs started to become more harsher, his whole body was shaking when Semi pulled him on his lap. How was Goshiki supposed to look Rai and Shibata in the eye again?

"Trust me, it will be okay." Semi whispered again, he would make sure of it. He swore he would make sure of it to happen. Goshiki was the third oldest first year and he often acted younger than the others, but out of all of them Goshiki was also the only one missing out on a home life. He would scold the other two later, right now his priority was Goshiki and to get Ushijima here. When he felt how the sobs started become irregular before they gradually stopped, he pulled the younger even closer, pressing Goshiki's head against his chest.

"I'm sorry." Goshiki whispered. Sorry for not being a person you would want to be friends with. Sorry for troubling you all with these problems. Sorry for not being how fifteen year olds were supposed to be. Sorry for asking you to care-

Sorry for having those stupid questions.

“Don’t be sorry, not for this.”

“Semi? Goshiki?” Ohira entered the dorm, gently closing the door taking in the different stances of the members. He knew there had to be something wrong, Semi had called Ushijima’s phone at least two times and a lot of messages had also been sent, Semi who avoided to use the phone when it came to informing people. Rai was still crying silently, Shibata sat on the chair like a kicked puppy and Semi had Goshiki curled together on his lap, head pressed against the chest. Whatever the first years had planned or done, it had not ended well for either of them.

“Yeah senpai?” He lifted his head, to face the tanner male, who more often than not was a voice of reason for the team. Ohira was calm and collected and if the situation he saw was affecting him, Goshiki did not notice that. Out of all the third years, Ohira and Ushijima were the most calm and collected people, which made them the most reliable when it came to these kind of situations. Not that they always knew how to help, but their calmness made the whole ordeals often a lot less stressing.

“Semi, has texted Ushijima a lot of messages and I wanted to check up on you. I’d like to know what happened, is that alright with you Goshiki?”

“Rai told me he- sorry, they are genderfluid, and Shibata started to question why I was so okay with it and-“

“I grabbed his journal and the page Goshiki had tried to hide just when we came in, which was when I got a read on the title, so I grabbed the paper and started to read it and well I made fun of Goshiki after the first line, I shouldn’t have done that.” Shibata finished for the other, he was sure neither Goshiki nor Rai were aware as to why he chose to grab the journal and read the paper. “I did not believe Goshiki was actually so okay with it and thought maybe the paper would answer my suspicions.”

“I understand, you don’t trust me.” Goshiki whispered, another question to add, another question which would hurt to think about, another reason why they would not chose to befriend him. He tried to get off of Semi’s lap but the third year held him in place, arms tightly wrapped around him, daring him to try and get out of the embrace. He shuffled a bit embarrassed by Semi’s overprotective nature, he was not used to it, he was not used to it at all.

“Goshiki, can we know what you wrote down on the paper?”

“Let them read it Goshiki. Please, I know they won’t judge you.” Rai whispered their face showed how guilty they felt and their voice was cracking. They wanted to help, to see the questions crossed out and more importantly, they wanted to answer some of these questions themself. Rai wanted to answer Goshiki's question about being friends, they wanted to become the first years friend.

Goshiki nodded his head. They would know at some point anyways, Shibata or Rai would talk about it and then the rest of the team would know. He had been proven wrong twice so far, to hope it would happen a third time was dangerous, but maybe, just maybe worth it. He watched as Rai handed the paper to Ohira, he watched as the older male read through the paper and he watched when to his astonishment tears rolled down Ohira's cheeks. It was something he still could not grasp, why everyone cried for and with him, it was something he was not used to. A concept as alien to him as having friends, people to trust, Goshiki again did not understand why someone cried for him.

"Oh, Tsutomu." Semi mumbled while reading, so easily pinpointing where to the questions on the paper were going. So many questions never asked, because there was no one to ask around. The blond gave a short squeeze, it was okay, he was going to be okay and those questions would be answered. "I'd love to paint your nails, Tsutomu and I am sure Taketa would happily do your eyeliner if you ask him. It's okay to have questions, to ask for answers, for help, for guidance or a friend. It's not childish Tsutomu, it's normal and it's okay if you ask us, we won't judge, we won't always know the answer but we won't judge." With his last words he sent a glare towards Shibata, making it clear that it was not yet over for him and to expect a hell of a scolding.

Rai and Ohira sat on the bed humming in agreement. They would not pressure Goshiki to show the list to the others, aside from Ushijima, Tendou and maybe Shirabu, but they would for sure try to get the first year to ask questions. To ask for help. They could and would do this, then Goshiki deserved to have someone to trust in, to confide, to ask his questions and they would be damned if they did not do their best to make it happen.

**Author's Note:**

> I cried while writing and I wanted to say thank you for reading.


End file.
